i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm like, not good at living.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
