just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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