my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
