Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
