OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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