He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
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Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
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Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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