True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
