He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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