i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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