I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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