i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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