So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.