I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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