My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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