How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
