god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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