I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
