Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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