Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
