Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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