So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
