god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
