I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
