i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
