Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
