hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies