i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this beer tastes like vomit already
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I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird