At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy