News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
