there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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