Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You are a genius and a whore.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
