I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
