I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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