I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
These tits shall not be calmed
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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