Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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