Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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