I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
