Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You smell like stripper and shame
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
