Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
