I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
