The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
