Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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