I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
