I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
