Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
