walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
