you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
