Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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