Where did you get a picture of my penis
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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