First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
