She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
