You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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