Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
