how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
