I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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