I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize