I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
