great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
